Dog Dare No. 2. Authored by Jon Slight. Originally sent on Aug 14th 2007 to Dan Carey. Passed to Dave Ronalds on August 27th, 2007

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"MAKE A MEAL THAT COSTS YOU NOTHING"

Escargot Gratuit de Chien Noir

Ingredients (for one).
-About 20 good sized garden snails, (Helix Aspersa).
-Bread
-Butter
-2 cloves Garlic
-Half a glass of white wine.
-Parsley
-Salt

Method
Follow the instructions for catching, preparing and cooking snails in Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall’s ‘River Cottage Cookbook’. There are a few variations on offer…. The method I chose was thus: Our yard is teaming with snails so I ventured out with a bucket and gathered about 25 healthy looking ones and put them into it. (I would later discard 5 that didn’t seem to be as healthy as I initially thought). As H.F-W directs, it is necessary to purge them of impurities and gut contents before cooking them, (unless they are hibernating in which case they already have empty guts. H.F-W suggests putting them in a washing up bowl covered with fine mesh and feeding them on raw carrot or lettuce in order to do this. I elected to leave them in their catching bucket and cover with a tea towel that I secured with a length of string. Instead of raw carrot or lettuce I decided to be a little more adventurous…. In Jeffrey Steingarten’s book ‘The man who ate everything’ he describes how Paella was originally an inland dish eaten by field workers who, instead of the later popularised seafood content used snails purged on rosemary. Following this example I picked a handful of sprigs from the pot in the yard and put them in the bucket with the snails. H.F-W suggests 5 days with food followed by 2 on a starvation diet but also says that you can get away with just three days with the food before cooking if you are in a hurry. I couldn’t wait so it was just the three days for my snails.

During those three days I assembled the rest of the ingredients.

Butter can be easily procured in small rectangular ‘mini-pats’ each about right for a slice of toast from many ‘cue up with a tray’ style cafes such as those found in department stores. Mine came from Woodall service station on the M1. I took a good handful but really you only need 5-6.

I am not ashamed to say that I stole my bread, (a bun shaped ciabbata loaf) and garlic, (one bulb of organic), from Tesco’s. I am ashamed to say that technically I made my little boy steal them by putting them in the front of his hoody. Both items were neatly secured as he was sitting in the trolley seat thus prohibiting any ‘spill out’. He was very good and smiled at the checkout as if he had done absolutely nothing wrong.

I scrounged the parsley from a fish counter in Kirkgate market where it was being used as decoration for the dead fishes.

My friend Maureen offered me a bottle of red wine for doing a few odd jobs around her house. I asked if I could have a bottle of white instead and the deal was done.

And then it was time to cook.

Immerse your snails in a saucepan of cold unsalted water until they are all with bodies poking out of their shells. Once they are cooperating place the pan on a low heat. (It occurred to me that using the cooker would actually cost me money so instead I went to Sainsbury’s, bought a two for one deal of disposable barbeque’s and used the free one. To obtain a low heat I held the pan away from the fire.) As the temperature slowly rises the snails ‘fall asleep’ without retracting into their shells. After a bit, turn up the heat, (lower your pan), add a bit of salt, (also from Woodall services in little sachets), and boil, (or as close to boil as you can get on a barbeque), for ten minutes. Drain and toss in a good amount of salt, leave for a few minutes and then rinse well, (this gets rid of any sliminess).

Switch to a saucepan next, put it on the heat and add the garlic, (finely chopped), and the butter. Heat until sizzling then add the wine and bring back to a good bubble. Add your snails and cook for a couple of minutes. Throw in the parsley, (a small handful washed and finely chopped), and set aside.

Cut the bread in half and place soft side down on the barbeque. (As I was recently given a bottle of olive oil by my brother-in-law in Spain I felt OK about splashing some over the bread first). Lightly toast.

Put the bread/toast on a plate and pour over the snails and their sauce. Eat accompanied with a glass of white wine.

Delicious haute cuisine. Bon appetite.