Dog Dare No.4. Authored by Dan Carey. Originally sent on Aug 14th 2007 to Lawrence Molloy.
(See Lawrence Molloy's second Dog Dare here)
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"FIND SOMEONE VYING FOR PUBLIC ATTENTION, AND USURP THEM"
I’ll be honest guys my lax approach to checking my e-mails has cost me big on this one. The day the I checked my e-mail I had just returned from working in Birmingham. Had I opened my mail before I had left the proud land for Brum completing this would not have been a difficult challenge. I now know there are a higher proportion of God botherers, would be profits, X factor rejects, big issue sellers and down right weirdoes on New street in Birmingham than there are anywhere else on earth. Fact. This being the case finding one dumb enough to Usurp would not have been hard, of that I am sure. Alas I opened this e-mail to late and the dare had instantly become far more difficult.
I spent the folloing Saturday round at my brothers catching up, watching rugby and drinking. In the evening, armed the idea of recruiting someone into my talent agency I hit the town. There, to my horror I found that Coventry City centre was dead. This was a first. No big lads looking to be action heros, no dizzy girls wanting to be the next Kyle, no intellectuals looking for a agent or a publisher, nothing. Town was deserted and the few that were out were in cliquey little groups. There was no one to talk codshit with; and without codshit I had no chance of even beginning to usurp.
Monday I was back at work. No one to usurp in a vault. The same was true of Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday offered a glimmer of hope in the form of a guy who talks to himself, but I was not going to sink so low as to exploit the mentally handicapped. Friday to Sunday was taken up with family business in the form of a wedding and all the drinking and eating that comes with it. I did think about trying to pass off splitting up a fight between two of the guests as usurpation but decided better of it because by now I had a plan.
A little known fact is that in the eyes of the law a corporation is legally a person. This is why they are granted so many rights and privileges. What do corporations do to get attention. They advertise. The corporation therefore is the ‘someone’ I found and the advert it’s means of ‘vying for public attention’ I always like shaving advert. I liked the Mack 3 advert, or the pulsar. I like that sporty men do sporty things use these products. I like that provocatively scantly clad women come out of no where to the help the 20 something young professional alpha males with a chiselled jaws and perfect pectorals to do what is essentially a boring and repetitive task. I want to be like them and I know that if I shave with their product, that this will happen in the same way the women the whole worlds over flock to and swoon over men who use links.
I set out therefore to find the stupidest most ridiculous male grooming advert I could. I found the Philips Robot skin advertisement. To see it go to http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=c6ZSZGUlHZ8. After seeing this advert I wrote the following advert to ‘Royal Philips Electronics of the Netherlands’ which is ‘a global leader in healthcare, lifestyle and technology, delivering products, services and solutions through the brand promise of "sense and simplicity".’
61 Mexborough Street
Leeds
LS7 3EH
Tel. 01132 620285
Dear Sir/ Madam
I saw your advert on the television for the new robot shaver but have been unable to find one in the shops. I tried boots and a number of other high street retail shops and even the crown point retail park in Leeds, which normally has everything. A few of the shops have the electric razor in stock but non-of them had the robot. Only one shop had ever had them in stock but they said that they were not expecting to get any more because they had had difficulties selling the old ones in the past.
I found this hard to believe as I would have thought that everyone would have wanted a robot to do domestic chores. I would very much like to purchase one of these robots but before I place a definite order I would like to ask a few questions about your product.
• How much do they cost?
• If so can I buy one on HP?
• Other than shaving what other domestic chores is the robot good at?
• Is it safe to have around children?
• Can I get a boy one?
• The robot has a sensual look to it, does it perform any acts of a pleasurable nature?
• How much electricity does it use or is in run on petrol?
• Can I dress it up or will this interfere with its movement?
• My ex, God rest her soul, was a size eight, would these clothes fit?
• Is the robot sentient or can I do whatever I like to it?
If you could kindly answer my questions or send me a brochure and order form I would be most grateful.
Yours sincerely
Barry Ross
They responded:
Dear Mr. / Mrs. Ross,
We have received your inquiry and will answer your question within 4 business days.
With Kind Regards,
Philips Customer Care
I shall forward the response when and if it comes.